I'm funny all year round - in spurts

I'm starting my "year in review" early.  Here are some of my favourite things I used as statuses on Facebook and/or Twitter. I've linked to some of the more recent and/or more popular. 
January

• would just to say that she has the greatest fiancee in the world.
• would just like to say her fiancee broke into her facebook and posted about how great he is.

February

• is amazed. Facebook guru says 22 friends find me sexy. Only 22??
• enjoys the word "fartwhistle".

March

• just got Cheez Whiz on her mouse. This is causing mobility issues. And tastes weird.
• "There is a limit to how many corn dogs a person can eat in a day." "Yes, and the answer is six."

April

• I'd push an old lady off a roof for you. This was one of my two most popular ones.
• I'm learning patience. I'd rather learn immediate gratification.
• I'm so hairy, people are going to start paying admission to pet me. This was the second of my two most popular ones.

May

• fixes your grammar in her head.

June

• If you're standing on a corner, you'd better be crossin' or workin'.

July

• What's a pony good for anyway?
• This broccoli tastes suspiciously unlike chocolate.

August

• There are no hard fast rules for the plural of "tranny".
• I cannot buy popsicles without hearing the voice of the creepy old man from Family Guy.
• Dear Today, You are cold and unfriendly and I feel we have nothing in common. It's over. Yours truly, Bronwyn

September

• The dog keeps farting in my general direction.
• Back from Las Boobies. I mean, Vegas. Boobies. Vegas. Boobies. Vegas.

October

• I think I have Seasonal Affective - I HATE YOU LEAVE ME ALONE
• Most of my life can be summed up with "Dammit, that wasn't what I meant to do."
• I would like to be more popular. I'm cute. I'm funny. Tell your friends. I'll wait here.
• Lost my tweezers. Am now growing a uni-brow.

November

• What do you call a "widow's hump" when you don't want your husband dead?
• I pet the dog and told him what a good dog he is. He was in the other room. This blanket is really well behaved.
• It is so cold out, "fartscicle" isn't just a phrase.

December

• I didn't want to tweet or post until I was in a better mood. Then I realized you may never hear from me again. And I can't do that to you.
• Grandma said it's not a bad thing to change who I am to make The Guy happy. She did say that. But she can't from the trunk. Can you, Gram?
• The dog looks afraid whenever I hand fed him something. He eats boogers without hesitation, but an apple? Better be cautious.
• I always suspected Jamie Lee Curtis cared about my intestinal health.
  
• When I can't think of a word, I act it out in order to remember it. I really hope I don't try to remember the word "naked" in public. Again.
• Does this insomnia make my eyes look fat?
• Come January, I'm on a diet. I'm going to lose this extra 20 pounds if it kills everyone around me.
• I'm having a first world problem -- my office is using third world toilet paper.

Comments

[The Blog Fodder]

You missed a whole bunch of good ones. Run a second batch.

[notquiteawake]

You guys really like your cheeze whiz don't you?

[Nat]

Ha ha - love it! Especially...nah, they're all good.

[dana]

My life can be summed up in one sentence: "WTF is happening and why am I here!?

Now, 8 years later with a new husband,new puppy, new anti-depressant, and it's more like: "I MADE IT!"

[Lynmara]

Please let Wade know that fiancé is the one for guys and fiancée is for girls. Just in case he's curious. Which apparently he is.

ZING!